Today I choose mindfulness. I choose to create space. I choose tenacity.
I choose to take action that serves me – and selectively weed out what doesn’t fit me. Today I choose myself and I choose Samuel. I choose to maintain and love our home, I choose to see him with contentment and grace. I choose to create time to make art, to make love, to make words flow on the page with (I’m not buying it yet but I will) glee. Today I choose to enjoy the process, whatever comes. I choose to drink water – and laugh too loud at times. Today I choose to make chocolate sugar cookies for North High – because I am grateful to have the opportunity to serve, to connect, to make others feel treasured because that makes ME feel treasured. Today I choose to see my successes, receive compliments and know that what is in front of me is symbolic and not an unalterable. I may always cover up certain aspects of life with gesso and paint over it. Just makes the new stuff more interesting. Don’t erase, love it into becoming something else. The foundation, the mulch that makes the soil more rich. All these “less than” feeling experiences are mulch and I remember how much my feet love standing in soil. Reminds me there is freshly mown grass on my front lawn, waiting for my bare feet which could REALLY use a pedicure. I want to feel that grass, and sniff it. So today, as soon as my five minutes are up, I choose to have more than slightly cold feet in the freshly mown grass. All is well. I know, yes I know, all will be well, even what feels crappy right now. Tomorrow, as Scarlet tells us, is another day. Today I choose this one. It is good practice to walk around in the mud. My toes like it. The chimes of my timer are ringing. They sound like a country church if I squint my hearing. I am blessed.
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 I started the brain dump writing about how I wanted to feel. I discovered before I knew what I truly wanted to feel, I knew I wanted my feelings acknowledged, so here is what was born:
I want to feel like… My feelings are valid. My feelings are important. My feelings are justified… actually more like I want to feel like I don’t need to explain why I feel the way I feel constantly, I don’t need to translate why I’m sad or angry or frustrated. I just want to be able to feel and express what I feel freely. My feelings are not to be ridiculed. I remember being told, “Don’t cry.” (I hate that) I can cry. Crying is healing. Crying is a gift. Crying is a soft pillow and a firm mattress, both – together, after a long day. Crying is permission to let go. Crying is a bridge… like an on-ramp to your highway of healing or crying is an onramp to Your Wildest, Uniquely You Vision. Crying is an important part of getting further along in the process. It isn’t a bad thing, there is no reason to say “I’m sorry” when you’re reaching for your vision, is there? There is no reason to apologize when we’re crying, when we’re stomping our foot, when we put our pens down and say, “I need to let my pen rest. I.just.need.to.let.my.pen.rest.” The empowering friend is the one who will sit beside you while your pen rests, gently smiling, trusting you will pick it up and continuing to work your process. (I let my pen rest before picking it up and writing more.) Negative self-talk is addicting. Negative self-talk writing is addicting. Negative self-talk writing creates blocks and barriers to the healing we are committed to creating, which is why when we do #5for5BrainDump we circle up through gratitude at the end. Just as you remember the negative experiences which created your negative self-talk monologue, finish your writing, always, with a positive spin. There are reasons for this. There are methods for the madness here. I can see you driving down your highway to healing, the highway to your unique vision. Your hair is freely flying and a wide smile is on your face. How does that feel? What’s next on your road to freedom? |
Julie Jordan Scottis the founder and creator of 5For5BrainDump. She has been inspiring artistic rebirth since 1999. Archives
December 2021
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