I wrote two brain dumps. The second one I recorded and shared with the Word Love Writing Community, Click here to join us - for the inner sanctum of all things #5for5BrainDump related. The thing is, the text disappeared and I wanted to publish something so I was left with this, the even more vulnerable writing of the two.
So - dear ones. May this writing be of service. May I not be completely horrified to have shared it. And as I often say, "Perhaps no one will read it so what will it matter?"
When I allow myself the space to be empty, when I leave room for silence, there is a process – sometimes shorter sometimes longer.
There is this ball of sludge. (Substance. I’m reminded of David’s ball of substance he referred to as love or source or whatever he called it specifically I don’t recall. He never actually said the word love in my presence not in the early days not in the end days, I heard him say “I love you,” on the phone to one of his eventual followers – tribe mates, whatever one calls the people he surrounded or surrounds himself with now but for me, then it was “Thank you for not making me say the things I can’t say.”
That ball of sludge I name “depression” Depression for me is sludgy.
It is the gumball stuck in my throat. My inability to breathe when it lodges itself there. When I have my stress cough fits, I’ve learned to relax, to pull over, turn off the car, exhile myself into the bathroom stall. “Don’t come in” as foreign other substance – not the gumball – pushes against all matter in its way from the inside out.
Not pleasant. Sometimes leaves my throat to ache for days and my muscles to contort, reminding me “don’t mess with the status quo unless you want more indescribable pain.” Who wants that?
Depression is something I wasn’t allowed to have.
Having a relationship with depression is shameful and ugly like a boil or a zit or a walk with an ungainly limp or bad breath or any number of things that repulse or repel others.
Alice is just happy to sit beside me and purr. (Poor cat, she doesn’t know I have this gumball still wreaking havoc and blocking everything and nothing. Tomorrow I was supposed to have been successful.
Magical realism come to life in my life.
I needed to empty that.
I needed these words.
I needed the words to express this. The sludgy ball of substance, like an egg can crack over my head and slime out and over me, get lost on my skin.
August 27: Tell about the Best Gift You Received... and the awkward first times, new beginnings, fresh starts from it.
Writing Prompt: I remember when I received the gift of.....
I remember exactly how it felt when I lifted it up from under the Christmas tree. A guitar. A guitar?
I was taking a guitar class but never expected, didn’t even ask, to receive such an extravagance. I was the one who thought of everyone else first. My flimsy, not-that-important desire to sing and play guitar and be the next generation Carly Simon had any real bearing to the rest of the world.
I don’t remember when I first played it – though I do remember the first song which then launched me into a daily guitar playing practice before I even knew there was such a thing as practice. Unlike the clarinet which was chore like to me, guitar was pure pleasure.
My brother, Jim gave me a follow up gift which was almost as exciting as the guitar itself.
I remember sitting in our big blue Dodge Van at the Willowbrook Mall. Jim handed me a package and inside was a book called “Carly Simon Complete” which was part biography, part sheet music collection.
The first song I played was “Anticipation” and much of my free time became practicing singing Carly Simon songs and then Carole King songs and then occasionally writing a song or two or seven or more of my own.
I haven’t written a song in years, but oh, it feels so great to remember those gifts.
I almost cried when I received both.
I didn’t give a thought to being bad at playing or singing because the desire was so much larger than the fear. When in doubt, stir up desire. It can rise up above that fear goblins any time.
Tell me about the gifts you have received.
In our live broadcast on Periscope today, I shared about my awkward first attempts at livestreaming.
This week #5for5BrainDump will be live on Periscope at 630 am PDT and at 4 pm PDT on Facebook Live at JJSWritingCamp.
Hope to see you there!
Feels Like the First Time: Your Fresh Writing & Journaling Start with #5for5BrainDump - Set Your Words Free Now
Today we are claiming our freedom to begin, again. Tomorrow we will begin moving our pencils and pens across the page and our fingers will move freely across the keyboard for five minutes a day for five consecutive days. Join us for the live community experience on August 27, 2018 at 6:30 am PDT on Periscope, at 4 PM PDT on FacebookLive with a YouTube video available with the prompt a bit after midnight.
There is a positive energy field when we choose to begin again. It might feel slightly scary to you - it actually feels a little bit scary to me. I have written once today and I am going to write again, as a warm up for the week. Are you ready to write a bit?
Here is my writing, hot off the ends of my fingertips - #5for5BrainDump Style:
I usually procrastinate when it comes to being a complete beginner. I am being honest here, completely vulnerable and honest – so let me be the first to raise my hand and tell you that any confidence you are seeing is because I am a leader so I feel compelled to wear my leader hat.
It is like when I started traveling alone with my kids: because my focus was on making them comfortable, I acted like I knew what I was doing and was totally comfortable but I wasn’t.
I am much better off when I am squiring others. When I go alone in to a new situation I dread it. I am not wild about it. Sometimes it may vary but I am talking about the norms.
The norms are, when I am new, I feel awkward and bumbly and embarrassed.
What I would rather feel or like to feel is confident: even alone.
I would love to feel welcomed and open and grateful for the opportunity.
Yesterday I went to a training – I didn’t know anyone there. The leader I had met before, but she didn’t remember me so naturally I felt completely unforgettable and less than from the beginning. Thankfully it didn’t last and the cause was bigger than my feelings of struggle.
When I am a beginner I aim to stay in that space of excited curiosity like on the first day of a new grade when you may know a classmate or two but the setting is different. I want to feel that “I’ve been looking so forward to this!” energy, the butterflies in my belly feeling.
That’s what I am claiming for tomorrow and this week:
Those butterfly feelings of maybe, possibly falling in love and meeting my next best friends – I am claiming that even if I make mistakes or some things go wrong, the worst that may happen is temporary embarrassment.
(--> Note - We conclude our 5 minute writing sessions with gratitude, to always conclude on an upward glide)
I am so grateful for this time of preparation, that I didn’t push this through last week. I am grateful for the people reading, watching and listening, for those people who are to come that I don’t know yet and I am grateful for my schedule becoming more free at exactly the right time. I am grateful for this process. And you, I am grateful for you.
In preparation for next week's #5for5BrainDump session, I am writing for 5 minutes and sharing here throughout the next week to illustrate how the process works to clear the brain, allow the words to flow, and serve your growth as much and more than you might imagine before trying it yourself. Link to sign up is below this five minute writing.
"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement." --Golda Meir
It’s a strange thing, loss and sadness and fear of loss and sadness.
I could throw some metaphors down to prove I am able to be poetic but I get tired of metaphors.
I’ve been working/playing/creating/adventuring this week in choosing how I want to feel every day before I go to sleep as a part of my journaling and purely living a better life practice.
In doing so, I have experienced profound results.
I have made progress with a chronically stuck project and it feels so satisfying.
I have naturally stumbled into favored methods of self-care because I had devoted my spirit to feeling those feelings, plus I created a YouTube video saying I was doing this, so there is that accountability lense right there, looking back at me asking “so what have YOU done?”
I have been looking at my life through a light filled lense: yesterday I spent more time with friends and loved ones and in those experiences I found myself in presence, query and witness. I only felt the all too familiar feeling of anxiety when I was running late and offered myself grace because instead of perfectionism the twitching eye and the shallow breathing walked out of the room.
I wasn’t expecting that choosing how I wanted to feel would change my level of self-trust, but it undeniably has had that effect. Last night before going to sleep after midnight I found myself wishing I had someone to talk to about what was happening either for affirmation or companionship or both and I simply allowed myself to feel the “wouldn’t it be wonderful if I had that person to chat with?” and then I let that wish go, turned off the light and fell asleep, trusting.
So how to tie all of this in a thoughtful red bow? I am not going to right now.
I am going to trust in what’s next and take forward facing action, with love and care and optimism, which I realize is a lovely bow all on its own. My five minute timer went off about a minute ago. Thanks for reading.
Sign up for the next free session by clicking the image above. I look forward to journaling with you!
Julie Jordan Scott
is the founder and creator of 5For5BrainDump. She has been inspiring artistic rebirth since 1999.