Before I share my brain dump, I have to confess I didn't even realize how much I am being called to write of my heart.
Note to self: review your writing. Review your WRITING! Review YOUR writing!
I'm remembering how Julia Cameron suggests people do not review their morning pages. Sorry, lovers of all things Artist's Way, I think this is a big mistake. To not review my writing, my heart and soul and tears and insights poured onto the page is unwise.
So - off I go for five minutes to write. I hope you will join me - and then join me for next week's #5for5BrainDump session.
I am being called to look at my heart.
Called to look at my heart quietly. When I sat at my desk to consider the thought of it, the first response was “I don’t want to look at my heart. I just don’t want to do that.”
Fear? I wouldn’t think so and yet what I learned last week and almost forgot, I am not entirely honest when it comes to heart examination. It is easier to hide than to be continually growth oriented with my soul stuff.
Samuel walks by. I look up. Distract me, please!
Back to my heart.
I imagine myself sitting under a tree, sitting under a tree with my heart personified.
She isn’t particularly pretty, my heart, not conventionally.
She has tears and fissures. She has scars and pock-marks. She looks tired, beleaguered.
She isn’t shaped like a heart.
Resilience. My heart has resilience. My heart deserves my best. My heart has been waiting for this meeting for a long time, this one I have avoided.
Today I am printing a long awaited book project, a final step before THE final step I have claimed I wanted to finish. I didn’t really want to finish. “It is too scary!” I told my heart.
My heart looks back at me, not exactly frustrated and not even faking a Mona Lisa smile like I might.
“You are making it scary. It isn’t scary. It is something that exposes you and exposes me and makes us ripe for the plucking. I remember…” she says, somehow, without a mouth.
The timer goes off and I need to continue just a couple moments more.
The last time I published a book on my own, I saw a conversation between two people belittling me and my work.
“Was what they said accurate?” my heart asks me.
“Nope, it was their opinion and it wasn’t accurate.”
It wasn’t accurate yet I gave these two guys, these do-nothings whose names I can’t even recall the power to NOT speak up and perhaps make a big difference for a lot of families.
I am going to close with a quote I found and read before I sat down.
“I never said I wanted a 'happy' life but an interesting one. From separation and loss, I have learned a lot. I have become strong and resilient, as is the case of almost every human being exposed to life and to the world. We don't even know how strong we are until we are forced to bring that hidden strength forward.”
Thank you, Isabel. Thank you, Heart. I will continue now. I wrote for two extra minutes. I will review my heart's calling. And write more. Take back the power I had so freely given away, afraid repeatedly of being wrong.
7/9/2018 07:35:26 am
I love your insight here Julie. The reasons why we don't open our hearts. I've decided it only matters what I think, what my husband thinks, and what God thinks. If those three line up, then the line behind them can be short or long. Some days it is easier to remember the negative, but move forward we must. Oh and - rereading those past writings has been a big blessing. It's been helping me to remember the specifics of how far I've come. <3 <3 <3
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Julie Jordan Scott
is the founder and creator of 5For5BrainDump. She has been inspiring artistic rebirth since 1999.